Prince Charming has fled the dating pool and, apparently, a record number of women end up marrying the frog. Recent census reports reveal that women increasingly are bailing out of their first marriage. Two-thirds of divorces now are initiated by women in their twenties.
Did they not notice the large warts on his back or the deep croaking voice? The census data indicates that in the majority of cases there are no children, so it’s not as if they were forced to marry.
I have counseled couples for over 20 years and I find the theme behind many a troubled relationship remains consistent. The disillusioned partner complains, “This is not the spouse I wanted.”
Much of what I teach in relationship workshops is based on the fact that “like attracts like.” But no one wants to hear that. After all, “How could wonderful me attract such a jerk”? If you see your spouse as the only source of your ills, you miss the opportunity to change the only person you can change, which means you bring the same old you into the next relationship.
When my first marriage ended, (I told the world) it was because of him. I was the perfect wife. Even after 20 years with my second, I believed any difficulties that arose were certainly more his fault than mine. Finally, I took a humble look in the mirror and I could see that I played an equal role.
We can carry the premise of “like attracts like” into any relationship. There was a time in my career when I appeared to be a magnet for very aggressive, vengeful coworkers. They not only spread untruths; they tried to usher me into the unemployment line. The harder they pushed, the more victimized I felt, often saying, “Why me?” I considered purchasing voodoo dolls to get rid of my tormentors. After much soul-searching I concluded there was probably something about me that provoked these repeat performances. I needed to forgive my coworkers and rise above the commotion. Now, I no longer have vengeful people stomping through my life.
If you think a good man is hard to find or that all the good ones are taken, you are going to manifest what you think about. People who fear living alone, most often end up alone. If you are jealous and fearful, you will attract situations to be jealous and fearful about. If you believe that women are only after your money, they will be.
A disappointed spouse laments, “He caresses the remote control more than me.” He says, “She sure has let herself go in the last few years.” These statements are negative and demeaning and reflect poorly on both the sender and receiver. How do you get into bed every night with someone you think neglects you? Eventually the frustration and sadness takes a toll not only on your vows, but also your immune system. You must change what you think about or forfeit not only your relationship, but your health as well.
I create my perfect mate, or rewarding relationships, in my mind first:
- I will assume that because I am capable of giving and receiving love, so are the people I attract into my life.
- I think about all of the wonderful ways in which my partner brings me joy. I express gratitude each day for the opportunity to show others how much they mean to me.
- I avoid judgment both of my partner and myself. We are both doing the best we can.
- I am fulfilled when I lovingly ask for whatever I need. I deserve only the best that life has to offer. I respond to the needs of others out of joy, never with resentment.
As I incorporate these thoughts into a lifestyle, I notice that life flows easily. Troublesome people almost seem to disappear. My body maintains the energy to produce healthy cells and increased vitality. My relationships become what I had hoped they would be — prince rich and frog-free!
(C) copyright 2005, Pamela Harper
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